Parenting Teenage Girls
Posted: Tuesday, September 16, 2008
by Karen Vincent
Karen Vincent Coaching
Why is my daughter so different since she hit adolescence?
The most obvious difference between boys and girls when they hit adolescence is that while boys tend to withdraw, girls engage and often they engage with a fight. That is not to say that girls don't spend enormous amounts of time in their rooms, on the computer, or talking on the phone, however, they tend to pick battles and fight with their parents more often than teenage boys. Teenage girls struggle to regulate their emotions which often times feel overwhelming, confusing and "all over the place". This is what creates those moments where you may witness (or more often be on the receiving end of) yelling, hysterical crying and screaming. It may seem to come out of nowhere, be very misdirected and may seem very over the top for the situation at hand. This is normal (and extremely stressful).
Adolescent girls are dealing with many changes happening at once. First, they are experiencing significant changes in their bodies with the development of secondary sex characteristics, general growth and at times weight gain. This can be extremely stressful for girls and can result in embarrassment, low self esteem and much confusion. Second, they are dealing with new, sexualized feelings which also result in behavioral changes. They care more about what others think of them (hence the hours in front of the mirror), care more about what they are wearing, whether they "look fat" and care about who is hanging out with whom. Third, they also begin to be seen as sexualized beings by others their same age which is a major change that creates a new level of self consciousness and peer pressure. Finally, they are seeking independence which means putting friends and members of the "outside world" first versus seeing their parents / family as the center of their world. That's a lot going on, right? It certainly is and all of this can result in emotions that are confusing and strong.
Emotional dysregulation takes place when the response of an individual does not appear to be "appropriate" for a particular situation. This often looks like an "over reaction" to a situation or a prolonged emotional response to a situation. Emotional dysregulation is not uncommon for adolescent girls and generally plays out in the safety of the home which results in you, as the parent, more often than not being on the receiving end of it. At the end of this article, I will offer some suggestions for responding if you experience this with your teenage daughter.
I have often heard individuals say, "teenage girls and their mothers never get along". While this is a generalized statement, there is some validity to it. The reality is that teenage girls are usually more attached to their mothers and therefore, in order to gain independence, they need to work hard at breaking that attachment. Although there can be a similar dynamic with fathers, relationships with adolescent girls and their fathers tend to be less turbulent and outwardly emotional. So, with their mothers, girls work hard at resisting the close connection they feel which ultimately causes them more confusion and often a stronger emotional response.
If you are a parent experiencing this it is certainly not fun and can be extremely emotionally draining for you right? How could it not be? It is difficult to witness the extreme emotions from your child and at the same time you don't really know what they are actually struggling with, you can't fix it and you have to try to manage your own emotions. Not an easy job at all! Sometimes understanding what is going on can make things easier. Basically, what you teenage daughter is doing is healthier than you may think. She is working to disengage from you, however she keeps you connected through the fighting, the yelling and the screaming. She struggles to increase her independence but also keeps her relationship with you strong through the fighting (this does not necessarily feel good in the moment but it does maintain her connection to you). Your daughter is ultimately getting support from you during these difficult battles even though it is likely not the way in which you wish she would seek support. Understanding this along with reviewing the tips at the end of this article may help you in those moments when you want to run out of the house, lock yourself in your room (see at the end - I do have a tip for this) or pull your hair out. Being a teenage girl at this point in time is not an easy task - your daughter needs your support, consistency and validation even though she will likely never ask for it.
There is certainly much more information related to what makes teenage girls tick, however, this overview is meant to help you, as the parent, gain an understanding about what may be going on for your child which will help you make decisions which are best for you and your family regarding how to deal with your teenage daughter effectively. I do want to stress that while most girls go through this process safely, there are others who experience significant difficulties during this difficult period of transition. Some adolescent girls begin to use drugs and/or alcohol as a way of gaining confidence in social situations, to "fit in" or for managing their confusing emotions. Others become involved in negative peer groups and succumb to the peer pressures associated with criminal activity or unsafe sexual promiscuity. Some become emotionally out of control and become aggressive and violent. If you have real concerns about such behaviors, you should consult with an expert who can help you determine if additional support or help is needed.
Some techniques to try when your teenage daughter appears very emotional:
1. Validation: let your daughter know that you understand she is upset (even if you don't understand why) and that you know it must be difficult for her to be that upset. Sometimes just feeling heard can make a very big difference in how your teenager responds to you. Again -you don't need to agree or fully understand, just acknowledge and validate how she is feeling.
2. Remain calm: this can be very difficult - especially if your daughter is yelling at your or saying hurtful things. However, if you also become extremely emotional, you will likely not have a productive interaction and you may end up feeling bad that you said things you later regret. Speaking in an even, calm voice often results in the other person lowering their voice and calming down.
3. Take space: if you feel yourself ready to blow, there is no reason why you cannot take space for yourself. A lot of parents I have worked with find that going into the bathroom is the best way to do this (although each person should do what works best for them). Whether you go to take a shower or bath or just pretend you need to be in there doing something, often times this gives both the parent and the adolescent a "cool off period" and prevents situations from escalating further. Children most often will not bother others when they are in the bathroom with the door closed.
4. Don't feel you have to defend yourself: your teenage daughter may accuse you of things that are not true, say things that are hurtful or exaggerate situations. As the parent, you do not need to help them rationalize these things during an emotional moment. Likely your teen is not going to be able to hear what you are even saying and if they are able to hear it, they will likely not be able to effectively process it. If you feel it is important to explain yourself (and often time it is not) then it is better to wait and do this during a time when emotions are under control.
5. Teach your daughter calming techniques during non emotional times: it is often helpful for parents to talk to their daughters about ways of remaining calmer during times when things are going well. I have worked with parents who were able to come up with plans for their teenage daughters where they can ask to be left alone for ten minutes to listen to music and calm down before continuing the conversation. Other parents have worked with their daughters on deep breathing, counting to 10, writing down how they are feeling first before yelling it, etc. These can all be effective if discussed and reviewed during non-emotional times. You know your teenage daughter the best and can likely help her find a technique or a couple techniques that will work for her.
As the parent, you know your daughter the best. Trust your instincts while allowing yourself to be open to understanding what might be going on for her. One of the most important things to remember while enduring the stress that can be associated with parenting a teenager while dealing with everything else in your life is that you need to practice good self care. It is important for parents to stay connected to the things that they enjoy and which bring them stress relief during a period which can often times be unpredictable and chaotic
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More commentsAll good advice. The one that worked for me was to tell my daughter to take time out in her room and write down what the problem was. This helped to defuse the situation and also let her know that I may have been angry at her, but still cared enough to hear what she had to say - but in a more calm situation. My girl was a troll during the teen years, even involving the police once. For what it's worth, she is now grown with a family of her own and is a dear friend, fantastic mother and an expert in her profession. Proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
This article is very helpful. It is exactly what I am experiencing right now. It is nice to know that I a not alone and my daughter is not alone in these feelings and behavior. Thank you!
I found the article very interesting but how do you warn your teenage daughter about dangers, mostly sexual, without them accusing you of calling them a whore or tramp whn you aren't actually thinking that at all??Sometimes stating things in more general terms makes them feel less targeted or like you assuming things about them. Sometimes starting the conversation by saying, "I am not sharing this information because I think you are doing anything wrong at this point, but I know that things are much harder now than they were when I was growing up. This may be information that will be helpful in the future or that will be helpful for you to share with a friend at some point. The other options is to have someone else you trust, who your teen also trusts, provide them with the information. Even though it will be the same information, sometimes when it comes from a parent teens are more resistant then if it comes from someone from who they are not as connected. Thank you for your comment.
It is very difficult as a mom to suddenly find yourself on the wrong side of your teenage daughter when for so many years you had the honour of being a very important person in her life. My little girl is now 15 and pulling farther away by the minute it seems. We often fight about control, space and responsibilities. She is a great kid, morally strong, great heart and compassionate to everyone but our immediate family. I understand completely what she is going through. I can't wait for the day this is over and look forward to the day she willing comes back into my arms. A big thanks to my wondeful husband for sending me a link to this article. This only prooves how much he loves us both!
Only time will tell!!! Lol!! Not only did this article help, but the comments from the others helped me see that we are not in this alone!!! We have great faith in God and each other, but our almost 15 yr old daughter and I are right now reading this as a huge blowup this morning!! She has expressed to me that she has anger towards everyone and doesn't know from where it is coming!!! We are praying that your wonderful insights assist us in getting through these difficult situations!!! God bless!!!!
I'm glad to know that most teenage girls are dealing with the same thing, However my teenage son was never like this. I know that they are both different. This article was very helpful.
My 15 yr old daughter is going through this also and its does help to hear that this happens to other families. She has always seemed so well adjusted and now to have her going over the top at the slightest word is difficult to cope with. I love her so much and now it feels that my little girl has disappeared. Staying calm and keep loving her is something to remind myself of. Thanks
Do you have any insight into things like Facebook and msn?? My 12 year old seems to spend all her time on msn and we wont let her have facebook even though her friends have it and we found she has set up an account without us knowing! I worry that there is too much scope to bring bullying and problems home that would otherwise be kept in the playground. Should we allow it but monitor what is happening? I have it so her messages all get saved to her pc and I can check them, and the girls are just so horrid to each other! Is this normal?? Thanks.
Its a very good article that covers most of the problems that mothers are facing with their teenage girls. I am going to share it with all the friends I know that have girls of this age. ThanksThank you Eman and I appreciate you sharing this with others. Teenage girls are certainly challenging and the more support parents can get the better. Take care and thank you for your comment.
his is a very good acticle many teenage parents struggle with they kids and controling them.,Thank you for your feedback and I agree, the teenage years can be challenging. Often times parents feel like they should not need support in parenting their teenager, however, this is a time when many parents benefit from support from others and from the many great places they are able to get information and support online.
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