Teenage Emotions: How Do I Manage Them When They Are So Strong?



Posted: Sunday, November 16, 2008

by
Karen Vincent Coaching

Often parents feel like their teenager's moods are unpredictable, intense and unprovoked. What is important to remember is that usually when a teenager responds in a strong manner what they are feeling is STRONG despite the fact that their response to a situation does not seem to make sense or seem rational. It is likely a result of the immense social stress felt by most adolescents coupled with hormone changes in their bodies. In addition, they are likely experiencing a constant internal struggle with needing you versus wanting to be independent from you.

So rather than trying to make sense of it, many parents feel that it is easier to just try to work with it. Below I have listed some techniques which I have found very effective and have had parents I work with find effective in helping to manage their teenager's strong emotions.

1. VALIDATE

Teenagers often do not understand what is going on inside them and feel overwhelmed by the strong emotions they are feeling. They feel like they should not be feeling them or that they should be more in control of them. One thing that can be really effective is to simply validate that they are having a hard time. Saying things like, "I know you have a lot of stress in your life and that this is difficult" or "I know you are feeling really sad right now" or "I know that being a teenager these days is a lot harder than when I was a teenager" can be very helpful to your teenager. They will at least feel like you understand that they are having a difficult time and may not feel so out of control themselves.

2. DON'T TRY TO RATIONALIZE IN THE MOMENT

It is often our natural inclination to say things to make others feel better. It can be difficult for parents to see their teenager having a difficult time which results in them saying something in an effort to help make it better. This is generally not helpful in the moment. When teenagers are in an emotional state, they are not likely to be able think rationally and often feel invalidated when attempts to rationalize are made. For example, if a teenager is upset that they were not invited to a party a parent may be inclined to say, "Well, the party is not until next week and I am sure you will get a call by then". Although this may be true, the teen will likely see this as the parent not understanding how difficult it is for them that they have not been invited up until this point. In this situation, the parent is better off using the validation techniques above and saying, "I know it must be really difficult to be thinking that you might be left out" or something similar. This way, the teen feels like the parent understands what they are feeling in the moment. Once the strong emotions decrease the parent can talk more about what may really be going on with the party invitation.

3. GIVE SPACE TO YOUR TEENAGE

Similar to what is written above, when your teenager is in a highly emotional state, they are not going to be able to be rational, to process situations or to solve problems. Sometimes giving them space can be very helpful in such situations. You don't want to "let them off the hook" and allow them to not deal with situations, however, sometimes giving them a designated period of time to be alone and relax (anywhere from 5 minutes to hour is usually sufficient) will allow for a much more productive conversation about the situation you are dealing with. Sometimes this works better if a specific plan is established during a non-emotional time. It is sometimes even helpful to have this plan written out: When Susie becomes upset, she will have 15 minutes alone either on the porch or in her room. During this time, nobody will bother her or try to talk to her. Once the 15 minutes is done, we will sit down calmly and discuss what is going on and work together to come up with a solution. Having a clear plan like this prevents having to negotiate the plan in the moment.

As is always the case, parents know their teens the best and can adapt these techniques and use others which are effective for their particular situation. The main point is that adolescence is a rocky, uncertain time which generally results in intense and confusing emotions. Often times, working with your teenager's strong emotions rather than trying to work against them can be more effective and helpful.

Karen Vincent is founder of How To Parent A Teen and is a Certified Life Coach and Licensed Therapist. Karen has worked with teenagers and their parents for the last 15 years, helping them resolve their most challenging issues.

Karen has developed and conducted numerous parenting classes and support workshops specific to parents of teens. Karen has also created and presented training programs for professionals including teachers, therapists and counselors who work with adolescents throughout the country.

In her work, Karen works with parents of teens throughout the country who are experiencing difficulties in connecting with their teenage children and who are struggling to manage social, emotional or behavioral issues which arise during the teenage years.

To gain instant access to the FREE audio program titled 3 Powerful Strategies for Parents of Teenagers or to learn about additional coaching programs and products offered, go to www.howtoparentateen.com or call us at 1-888-272-1218.
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