Teenage Emotion Regulation: How Do I Help My Teen Stay In Control?



Posted: Sunday, November 16, 2008

by
Karen Vincent Coaching

In our lives, we all need to figure out how to calm ourselves down when becoming upset. Becoming upset and emotional is inevitable and normal right? Of course it is. The goal when we reach an emotional state is to not react in a way which makes the situation worse and ultimately, this is what parents should be teaching their teenagers. We want to make sure that we are validating that they are having a hard time and then encouraging them to manage their strong emotions in a way that does not result in them doing something which gets them into trouble, causes them harm, or makes the situation more difficult for them.

Below I have listed some techniques which can be effective in teaching teenagers to regulate their own emotions (which is the ultimate goal as they transition into adulthood). The key to all of these skills is that you work with your teenager on learning and practicing them during times when they are not emotional. That way, they are more likely to be willing and able to use them when they are feeling overwhelmed by their emotions.

The set of skills that I will explain are called "Distress Tolerance Skills". The goal of these skills is just what it says to help teens tolerate distress in the moment so that they are able to calm down some which will allow them to then process whatever is going on for them. Exploring what works and doing these skills with your teenager can be helpful during non-emotional times.

1. Activities: These skills involve having your teenager involve themselves in an activity which can help them take their mind off the triggering situation. Some examples are:

Going outside and shooting a basketball

Taking the dog for a walk

Baking or cooking something

Lifting weights

Running

Jumping rope and counting

Listening to music and really focusing on the lyrics or beats

Throwing a ball back and forth

Having them help you with a specific chore, errand or task.

2. Thoughts: While there is some overlap between activities and thoughts (and which category something falls under is not important finding skills that work is what matters!), these skills are about your teenager having their mind so occupied with something else that they cannot think about the triggering situation. Some examples include:

Doing word searches or crossword puzzles

Counting backwards from 100

Counting tiles on the floor

Trying to come up with as many things in a category as they can in 5 or 10 minutes (girls names, boys names, song names, flavors of ice cream, names of TV shows, names of movies, states in the country, capitals of states, etc)

Bouncing a ball and counting how many times they can do it without losing control

Doing Mad Libs

Reading a book or looking through a magazine

Writing lyrics to songs or poetry

Journaling

3. Soothing: These skills work to help teens relax themselves, even during very difficult situations. They are different than the last two sets of skills because the goal is not to have your teen take their mind off what is triggering them but rather to help them learn to better manage their body's physical responses when they are upset. Some examples include:

Taking a bath

Drinking tea

Using a lotion and smelling the smell they really like

Petting or hugging a family pet

Listening to soothing music

Swinging on a swing or rocking in a rocking chair

Sitting outside listening to the sounds of nature

Listening to CD's which have the sound of the ocean or wilderness

Using a stress ball or something similar

Deep breathing (breath in for 5 seconds, hold breath for 5 seconds, breath out for 5 seconds OR breath in deep through your mouth and breath out through your nose)

Muscle Relaxation start with relaxing the toes and work your way up the body.



Many times when reading through these lists, people think that their teen would not "buy in" to do these skills. The truth is, teens don't want to feel emotionally out of control and don't want to constantly be getting into trouble or making their situations worse. Even if your teen does not like the skills listed in these lists, looking at these lists may help them think of things that they feel would work for them. It's worth a shot! On another note, these skills work for adults also and certainly parenting a teenager can be very stressful - so try some of these skills yourself to help you stay relaxed and in control during the difficult times!



Karen Vincent is founder of How To Parent A Teen and is a Certified Life Coach and Licensed Therapist. Karen has worked with teenagers and their parents for the last 15 years, helping them resolve their most challenging issues.

Karen has developed and conducted numerous parenting classes and support workshops specific to parents of teens. Karen has also created and presented training programs for professionals including teachers, therapists and counselors who work with adolescents throughout the country.

In her work, Karen works with parents of teens throughout the country who are experiencing difficulties in connecting with their teenage children and who are struggling to manage social, emotional or behavioral issues which arise during the teenage years.

To gain instant access to the FREE audio program titled 3 Powerful Strategies for Parents of Teenagers or to learn about additional coaching programs and products offered, go to www.howtoparentateen.com or call us at 1-888-272-1218.
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