Teenage Defiance
Posted: Monday, March 09, 2009
by Karen Vincent
Karen Vincent Coaching
Does your teenager not follow though with your requests, not complete tasks or not follow though with general rules and standards of conduct that they used to adhere to? If so, your teenager is demonstrating some level of defiance.
One of the questions I have been asked repeatedly by parents of teenagers is whether their teenager's behavior is "typical teenage behavior" or a real problem. This is a question that keeps parents up at night and causes them significant stress and worry (with good reason!). There is a distinction (although generally not completely clear) between typical teenage defiance and excessive defiance that may indicate a real problem.
Defiance can be verbal (yelling, whining, complaining, swearing, lying, arguing, insulting, crying, back talking, etc), physical (defying, throwing tantrums, running away, stealing, etc), aggressive (throwing things, destroying property, fighting, using weapons, cruelty towards others, breaking and entering, etc) or passive noncompliance (ignoring directions or requests, failing to complete chores or homework, ignoring basic day to day routines, etc). Your teenager's defiance may look like one or a mixture of these.
So, back to the question of whether your teen's defiance is normal or a real problem. The first thing you want to identify is whether your teenager's defiance is worse than most teenager's defiance. To assess this, answer the questions below:
During the last 6 months my teen has:
1. Lost his/her temper never sometimes often very often
2. Argued with adults never sometimes often very often
3. Actively refused to comply with rules or requests never sometimes often very often
4. Deliberately annoyed people never sometimes often very often
5. Blamed others for his/her mistakes or behaviors never sometimes often very often
6. Been touchy or easily annoyed by others never sometimes often very often
7. Been angry and resentful never sometimes often very often
7. Been spiteful or vindictive never sometimes often very often
If you had 4 or more questions with an answer of often or very often, your teenager is demonstrating more defiant behavior than the typical teenager. If you answered often or very often for two or three questions, your teenager is demonstrating slightly more defiant behavior than other teens.
Another factor you should examine is whether your teenager's defiant behavior is creating any impairment in their lives. In the following situations, rate how often your teen's defiance is creating impairment:
1. In home life with the family rarely sometimes often very often
2. In social interactions with peers rarely sometimes often very often
3. In school rarely sometimes often very often
4. In community activities rarely sometimes often very often
5. In sports, clubs, or other activities rarely sometimes often very often
6. In learning to take care of themselves rarely sometimes often very often
7. In play, leisure, or recreational activities rarely sometimes often very often
8. In handling daily chores or other responsibilities rarely sometimes often very often
A final factor you should examine is related to how much emotional distress your teenager's defiance is causing others. Emotional distress occurs when there are strong negative emotions which can include anger, sadness, depression, frustration, etc. Below, rate how your teen's behavior impacts your family's emotional distress.
1. Emotional distress I feel none very little moderate a lot very much
2. Emotional distress that my spouse feels none very little moderate a lot very much
3. Emotional distress my other children feel none very little moderate a lot very much
If you rated emotional distress as moderate or higher for at least one person in your home, your teen is likely demonstrating defiance that is above that of a typical teenager.
If you determine that your teenager's defiance may be above the "typical teen" threshold you can take steps to help this situation. Some communication techniques can be very helpful in such situations (see other newsletters / articles related to communication with teens) since in order for there to be defiance there needs to be at least two parties involved in the conflict. Sometimes professional help is necessary to help both with assessment and the treatment of whatever may be going on for your teenager. If your teen's defiance includes criminal activity, you should most definitely seek professional help. Finally, coaching can be helpful for parents who are looking for specific techniques they can use to change the patterns of behavior in their home. It is helpful to remember that your teenager could very well feel as miserable as you do when you are on the receiving end of their defiance. Most people don't like feeling like they are constantly in conflict or in trouble so learning some subtle ways of changing the dynamic in the home can reap very positive benefits for both you and your teen.
Much of the information for this article was taken from the book Your Defiant Teen: 10 Steps to Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship, by Russell Barkley, PhD and Arthur Robin, PhD.
© 2009 Elite Life Coaching